The latest evidence for the end of civilization as we know it comes from the Oklahoma Legislature, or more specifically, Rep. Jason Murphey, a Republican from Guthrie.
Murphey's bright idea: arming college students. (Doh! Why didn't we think of this?)
The solution to college murder sprees, recently at Northern Illinois and earlier at Virginia Tech, is students who can shoot back. Of course. Rep. Murphey says that, under his legislation, licensed students could take concealed weapons into the classroom.
Only a couple of problems here. Okay, three or four problems, tops.
First, as former state trooper and current Rep. Paul Roan told a reporter, this could hinder law enforcement.
"You wouldn't know who the players are," Roan said. You think?
Second, what about students who lose their temper at a professor, a classmate, or a (former) boyfriend or girlfriend?
Oh, that's right, they can shoot back! We can see it now: Bearded OU and OSU profs, accenting their tweedy threads with underarm holsters and snub-nosed pistols.
Professors with pistols—that's got a nice ring to it, don't you think?
Third, there's an age problem here. Murphey's bill says that gun-toting undergrads would have to be licensed (okay, this is a good idea) and 21 or over (another good idea).
So if our crazed campus shooter wants to shoot up a classroom, he (and it usually is a he) can locate a freshman or sophomore course, where most students are likely to be under 21 and thus (legislatively) unable to shoot back.
Following the logic of more guns making campus safer, we'd have to advise freshmen and sophomores to arm themselves as well, illegally if need be. After all, they've gotta shoot back, right?
Fourth, who will pick up the costs for the hospitalization and funerals for the faculty, staff, and student bystanders who get caught in the crossfire? If every frat boy and coed is packing heat and the crazed gunman appears, it's shoot first, ask questions later, isn't it?
Come to think of it, if Rep. Murphey's bill becomes law, expect student grades to skyrocket.
Don't care for that "gentleman's C" on your essay exam? No problem—you can settle the score with a well-placed body shot.